January 6, 2009

Sharing from my Heart

Pride…..Fear of rejection……Fear that I will not say what needs to be said…… Uncertainty.… Disconnected….Shame…. These are the feelings that are flying through my heart… These have brought me to tears many times over the past couple of days.

Pride: within me saying “I don’t need God I can go through life without Him.” And “God does not mind if I don’t spend time with Him tonight. He will understand that I need some me time.” My pride has led me to follow these suggestions even when I knew them to be false.

Fear of rejection: Afraid to do what God wants me to do, because I am afraid that if I do what He wants, I will not be received the same way by someone I look up to greatly.

Fear that I will not say what needs to be said: God has asked me to talk with one of my friends about a topic that is very emotional. He has asked me to say something that my heart does not feel like saying but I know that it is the right thing to say. I fear that I will let my emotions rule during the conversation and will end up saying the wrong thing.

Uncertain of my future: I am not sure what God wants me to do over the next two years, and I need to make a decision within the next ten days. Where will I be going to college next fall? I am uncertain about the future and am unwilling to give it to God, because I feel disconnected.

Disconnected from God: a feeling that I have caused by deciding to do other things rather than spend time with my creator. I have made idols of those things be putting them before spending time with my Lord.

I am filled with shame because of this fact. I am very disappointed with myself, because I know that this disconnection is completely my fault. Also I know that if my relationship with God was in the right place then all of these troubles would not be causing me pain. I would have laid them at Jesus’ feet, but due to my pride I am unwilling to do this.

Thankfully shame is not where my journey ends. It is actually the beginning of a turning back to my Lord and Savior. Tonight (1-5-09) God has greatly blessed me by drawing me back to Himself. After a conversation with a friend and reading Psalms 58, 61, and James 4:1-10, God has started to humble my heart before Him once again. As of right now, I am still trying to lay all these things at his feet. I am still not where I should be, but I am moving in that direction.

James 4 speaks directly to my issue of pride as you can see below.

James 4:6-10
6But he gives us more grace. That is why Scripture says: "God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble." 7Submit yourselves (A pride issue), then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. 8Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. 9Grieve, mourn and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom. 10Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up.

Psalm 61 was a huge encouragement to me to. Specially the first four verses.

Psalm 61
1 Hear my cry, O God;
listen to my prayer.
2 From the ends of the earth I call to you,
I call as my heart grows faint;
lead me to the rock that is higher than I.
3 For you have been my refuge,
a strong tower against the foe.
4 I long to dwell in your tent forever
and take refuge in the shelter of your wings.
5 For you have heard my vows, O God;
you have given me the heritage of those who fear your name.
6 Increase the days of the king's life,
his years for many generations.
7 May he be enthroned in God's presence forever;
appoint your love and faithfulness to protect him.
8 Then will I ever sing praise to your name
and fulfill my vows day after day.

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