September 10, 2009


The busyness of my life is like a whirlwind. I fly from place to place seldom with time to slow down and think. Each day seems to drag by but as I look back I have no memory of the last four months. It seems like only days since last semester. The summer has come and gone and so has the first quarter of school. I have done so much and yet so little. Indistinct flashes of memories and thoughts is all there is.

I have lost myself in my busyness. People ask, “How are you doing?” and I answer “I am doing good.” Am I really? I don’t know. I have not taken the time to stop and think to evaluate how I stand with God, how I feel emotionally, socially or physically. How I stand with God: my relationship with Him is strained. It is better than it was a year ago, but I can tell it is not getting stronger rather it is becoming shorter like a candle that is burning that will soon run out of wax. I fear if I don’t invest some more time I may burn out. Emotionally, I feel fairly well but once again I feel like I am losing my reserve. Socially, I am not sure where I sit. While at WSU I feel very alone, but other places I almost feel stifled by everyone around me. As if I had just finished running a race, I need to stop and take a breath of fresh air. Physically, here too I am wearing down. There are not injuries to speak of - at least no serious ones. Weariness is creeping in and rest seems so distant. God will raise me up. He will add more wax to the candle.

Two weeks ago a forgiveness series wrapped up at Crosswinds community church. Through that series God dealt with some un-forgiveness in my life. I had been harboring bitterness in my heart towards a sister in Christ. This bitterness was draining me of energy and standing in between God and I. The first couple of nights God revealed this bitterness to me and the last night He gave me the grace to release my pain over to Him. Now I can say, to this sister in Christ, “You are forgiven.” Through that act alone God restored much of my energy.

I may still be tired and heavy laden but I know God will take care of me. I keep hearing Him say “Trust me and continue on, I will not let you fall.” A couple of verses keep coming to mind. Matt. 11:28-29 “"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.” Isaiah 40:29-31 “He gives strength to the weary, and to him who lacks might He increases power. Though youths grow weary and tired, and vigorous young men stumble badly, Yet those who wait for the LORD Will gain new strength; They will mount up with wings like eagles, They will run and not get tired, They will walk and not become weary.” Last of all, Psalms 23:1-2 “The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures; He leads me beside quiet waters. He restores my soul; He guides me in the paths of righteousness For His name's sake. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil, for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.”