January 29, 2009

God Spoke

A little over a week ago I received a letter from a friend. God used this letter to bring me to a place of brokenness before Him. While reading the letter God spoke to me clearer than He ever has before, and what He said tore me apart.

The letter was a very encouraging one. It talked about how God had been working in my friend’s life and how she was continuing to submitting her life to Christ. This was an answer to my prayers. Her growth in Christ has been something I have been praying for. About half way through the letter I started to thank God for what He was doing and how He had answered my prayers. That is when I heard God speak to me. He said in a quiet and pained voice, “Titus, you have been neglecting me” and then after a short pause He asked, “Why?” Hearing God say that and hearing the emotion in his voice broke me. I felt terrible for the way I had treated Him, for choosing other things over Him, for creating idols in my life, and for just simply ignoring Him. I ignored Him in ways I never would ignore a friend. I was and am so ashamed of neglecting Him.

Why had I been neglecting God? Well, it is because I am afraid of something. What that something is I don’t know. I fear something God will ask me to do or something He will say no to. I don’t know what I fear. I am afraid of spending time with Him, afraid of what He will do, and of what He will think. I don’t understand my feelings. However, they are there and are keeping me from enjoying being in the presence of God.

Sunday at Church Mr. Pulver, who was leading worship, asked if anyone had something to share. Quite a few people shared different things. I don’t remember what they said I only remember God wanting me to share what He had told me. So after our last song I said, “I have something to share” I started off by reading James 5:16. As I read I had to bite back tears that where threatening to overwhelm me. Next, I started haltingly to tell the story of what God had said to me, and then I attempted to share the answer to God’s question “why.” I was unable to get through it all before I broke down completely and started to sob my body shaking. I was filled with grief over neglecting God and with shame for what I had done. Guilt plagued me. As soon as I could no longer talk Mr. Pulver asked everyone to get up and pray for me and my family. They stood around us and prayed.

As they were praying, God started to bring thing after thing that I need to confess to my attention. I sat and cried while my body shook quaked confessing things to God. Everyone probable prayed for us around fifteen or twenty minutes. I was unaware of the time passing just God, and the people praying for me. God was breaking my heart, humbling my proud spirit. That day He did a major work in me.
Right now, I am still full of shame for what I did. God has taken away my guilt. He has forgiven me and for that I am thankful. Still at times I am not far from tears, the sorrow and regret is still there. My heart is laying in pieces in God’s hands, which He is slowly putting back together.

One of the many things that God has showed me through all of this is that He truly values spending time with us. He really enjoys hanging out with us. He longs for an intimate relationship with each of us, a relationship in which we share life together.