September 10, 2009


The busyness of my life is like a whirlwind. I fly from place to place seldom with time to slow down and think. Each day seems to drag by but as I look back I have no memory of the last four months. It seems like only days since last semester. The summer has come and gone and so has the first quarter of school. I have done so much and yet so little. Indistinct flashes of memories and thoughts is all there is.

I have lost myself in my busyness. People ask, “How are you doing?” and I answer “I am doing good.” Am I really? I don’t know. I have not taken the time to stop and think to evaluate how I stand with God, how I feel emotionally, socially or physically. How I stand with God: my relationship with Him is strained. It is better than it was a year ago, but I can tell it is not getting stronger rather it is becoming shorter like a candle that is burning that will soon run out of wax. I fear if I don’t invest some more time I may burn out. Emotionally, I feel fairly well but once again I feel like I am losing my reserve. Socially, I am not sure where I sit. While at WSU I feel very alone, but other places I almost feel stifled by everyone around me. As if I had just finished running a race, I need to stop and take a breath of fresh air. Physically, here too I am wearing down. There are not injuries to speak of - at least no serious ones. Weariness is creeping in and rest seems so distant. God will raise me up. He will add more wax to the candle.

Two weeks ago a forgiveness series wrapped up at Crosswinds community church. Through that series God dealt with some un-forgiveness in my life. I had been harboring bitterness in my heart towards a sister in Christ. This bitterness was draining me of energy and standing in between God and I. The first couple of nights God revealed this bitterness to me and the last night He gave me the grace to release my pain over to Him. Now I can say, to this sister in Christ, “You are forgiven.” Through that act alone God restored much of my energy.

I may still be tired and heavy laden but I know God will take care of me. I keep hearing Him say “Trust me and continue on, I will not let you fall.” A couple of verses keep coming to mind. Matt. 11:28-29 “"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.” Isaiah 40:29-31 “He gives strength to the weary, and to him who lacks might He increases power. Though youths grow weary and tired, and vigorous young men stumble badly, Yet those who wait for the LORD Will gain new strength; They will mount up with wings like eagles, They will run and not get tired, They will walk and not become weary.” Last of all, Psalms 23:1-2 “The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures; He leads me beside quiet waters. He restores my soul; He guides me in the paths of righteousness For His name's sake. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil, for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.”


  1. Wow.
    I actually stopped and read all of that,
    and that is so true for so many people.
    For me, that was life. I have believed for more though, and I know my life is changed. I know that God is alive in me, and I don't care if I fail school, as long I am growing closer to God.

  2. That is a good sentiment. Growing closer to God is truly all that matters. I wish that my life always reflected that I hold it to be true.

  3. It's more than just sentiment. It's real. Yes, growing closer to God is really all that matters, but we have to actually do something about it before it becomes a true part of who we are. We can say all we like 'I believe in Jesus', but unless every fiber of our being is seeking to serve and obey Him, who is really going to look at us and see God?
    We have to be passionate and active about seeking after God. We have to have more faith in Him than in the world around us (that's a hard one). We have to test everythign we hear against scripture, and learn to hear His still, quiet voice. We have to be willing to look stupid and be different for the sake of the cross. We have to believe that God loves us when the world hates us (that's what they did to Jesus). We have to be strong and convicted about our beliefs or they will never amount to anything.
    And this is what I am working on at the moment.

  4. Very well said. You are right on.

    The hardest thing for me is being willing to look stupid for the cross. I am a very proud person and often that pride gets in the way. It is what I am working on at the moment.

    The greatness of God's love is beyond understanding. Every time I think I understand how great His love is He shows me that it is still greater.

    I will be praying for you.